Ye Olde Book of Praynks
by Fensta
Summary: After Hogwarts, what do the fearsome group of school terrorists that call themselves 'the Marauders' do? Why, write a book of course! This is a copy of said book, for your viewing pleasure. The latest chapter puts a numerical view on things... Enjoy!
1. An Extended Introduction

**_Ye Olde Book of Praynks. A Marauders Production_**

Once upon a time, there were four friends...

_**Ahem...**_

...Oh, Okay, there were four friends and a girl who kept sticking her beak in...

_**AHEM!**_

**James, I think you should back down a little, little Harry won't do too well in life if his mother is convicted for Murder.**

Don't be silly Moony, Lils would never...

_**AHEM!**_

Okay, maybe she would... Don't touch that! Ouch! Lils! OUCH!

**Heh, sorry about this. Prongs has always been a few ingredients short of a potion when it comes to women. You'd think after a year of marriage, he'd learn something...**

LILS! Ouch! That's not for throwing! No... Don't... My mother gave us... OUCH! MY FOOT!

**Obviously, natural selection doesn't apply to the Potter line. Usually we'd try and keep Lily out of things like this, for this exact reason...**

...aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhhhhh...

**...sorry about that, it seems Lilly is now threatening to chop something off, and those shears look sharp. Anyway, as I was saying, we'd normally keep Lily out of it, but she was the only one adept enough at charms to make this book work properly. Heaven knows Sirius, James and myself tried, but instead of recording our voices, it played back what sounded suspiciously like gaseous exchanges from Severus' behind. You don't want to know what it wrote down on parchment... it's too disturbing for words.**

_Too right!_

**Ahh, Padfoot. I was wondering where you were.**

_Just doing a bit of fridge raiding. Incidentally, was that Prongs I just saw running around the garden, a mad redhead brandishing a set of Muggle garden shears at him?_

**Uh... Yes, that would be our illustrious leader. It seems Lily is happy with just the one child, if you know what I mean.**

_For the information of the book, I'd like to note that both Moony and myself are wincing._

**Quite. Now, if you don't mind, we need to get on with this, or we're going to have to call Lily back in here to re-apply the charm. It doesn't last forever you know.**

_It doesn't?_

**Spoken like a true gormless idiot Padfoot, how ever did you pass your Charms N.E.W.T. with an O?**

_Easy; James and you were sitting either side of me in the exam._

_**Come Sirius. You should give yourself more credit than that. Most of what this 'book' that you lot are 'supposed' to be making is credit to you having more intelligence than you like to let on.**_

_Lils, I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking eventually! When are you going to dump the stag, so we can get together?_

Unfortunately Padfoot, Marriages in the magical world can only be broken by death. So you can have her, but only if you kill me first...

_**Oh, thanks DEAR! He can 'have me', can he?**_

Now, Lils, let's not get carried away here, it's just a figure of speech...

_**I'll show you a 'figure of speech'!**_

**And there the 'happy couple' go, doing what they do best...**

_Hey, I'm not complaining. At this rate, she'll finish him off herself, leaving the way open for me!_

**Padfoot...**

_Yeh?_

**Shut-up...**

_Ok..._

**Good. Now, as the married ones start another lap of the Quidditch pitch, we better make a start on this book.**

_Great! I can't wait to get all this down on paper! Especially that episode with Snape and the exploding soup..._

**He almost lost his nose! And his hair has never been the same since. You can't possibly say that was one of our better pranks!**

_Oh, I suppose you still think that trick with Dumbledore's hat is the best we've ever pulled. There wasn't even any proof that he didn't notice. Personally, I think he liked the attention anyway._

**Stop sulking Padfoot, just because you didn't think it up, and it didn't involve a Slytherin, it doesn't mean it wasn't as good as the others. And for your information, I heard him talking to McGonagall about how he found it 'highly embarrassing'. I don't think even someone as eccentric as Dumbledore likes to parade a pair of breasts around on their head all day.**

_And to this day, I'm still trying to work out how you knew what breasts looked like to transfigure his hat quite like that Moony..._

_**As disturbing as this conversation is, I feel I have to jump to poor Remus' defence here.**_

Lily... How would you know if Remus has ever seen a pair of breasts?

_Oh...Merlin...Lils... you didn't!_

_**What're you on about Siri... OH! Eww! NO! Bleh! Sirius! How could you even suggest that me and Remus...**_

**If you don't mind Lily, I'd like to borrow those shears for a few seconds, I think a certain K9 needs a _'trim'._**

_No... Moony...Remus...buddy... pal...you wouldn't..._

**Padfoot...**

_Yes Remus, my bestest buddie in the entire world. Ever._

**Run...**

_(Gulp)_

Ok, so, lets see how far those two got during our...uh...misunderstanding...

_**So much as breathe wrong Potter, and it'll be your funeral sooner than you think.**_

Yes my love. Whatever you say. Hey! Those two didn't even introduce the book properly!

_**What. Let me have a look. Hmm... Oh, so that's why his hair is so greasy...**_

(Sigh) That was a good one...

_**But you're right, they haven't introduced it in the slightest. Why don't you...**_

Yes my lovely, right away:

Hello and welcome to the Marauders (plus one) production of 'Ye Olde Book of Praynks'. It's a year since our time at Hogwarts has ended. We all passed by the way, showing that even the most hardcore of pranksters can succeed in the harsh world of study and deadlines.

_**(Snort) Only because you had Remus and me to help you though it!**_

Take that back! You just told Padfoot to give himself more credit! Why shouldn't i?

_**Because you've always had an ego the size of the Great Hall. Sirius is simply misunderstood.**_

(Snort) He'd love to hear that. Anyway, where were we? Ahh yes, the intro:

Now, you might have noticed, Lils and me got married straight out of School, and had Harry soon after...

_**Nine months after.**_

You were counting!

_**(Sigh) Never mind...**_

Anyway, we moved into my parent's old house in Wales, and here we are, happily married with our friends surrounding us daily.

_**You mean YOUR friends...**_

Hey, it's not MY fault if Anna or Leona never come round!

_**That's true, its Sirius'. Last time Vicki came round, she left within an hour, and with Sirius chasing after her like some 'lovable' stray.**_

You can't blame Padfoot for not knowing she's mortally afraid of large dogs!

_**No, but I can blame him for jumping at her face after she started screaming about how 'it' was going to kill her.**_

Err... perhaps... So, where were we?

_**(Sigh) You were about to explain what the book's about.**_

Oh, yes, so I was. So, we're now living here, but seeing as how there's only us and my beautiful wife's friends to prank, we got a bit worried that we'd loose our touch. So we asked Lils to help us in the creation of this book, which will help us both reminisce, and record our devious deeds for all prosperity.

_**There, that's the introduction done, and it only took 4 pages!**_

Hey, that's good for me, considering my introductions normally don't last more than half an inch.

_**And as a consequence, neither do Sirius' or Peter's.**_

I resent that accusation! Hey, where is Wormtail anyway?

_**I dunno, he's been away lots recently. Perhaps he's got a new job?**_

Bah! Wormtail, a job? Who'd want to employ him!

_**Someone who beli.ves .n ..giv...n ... pe...pl... c...a...s..**_

_**Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Automated Response:  
**__**We regret to inform you that the charm powering this book has temporarily run out. Please return to you're nearest Lily, and ask nicely to restore said charm, or call our hotline: 0800-PRANKS'R'US  
**__(calls charged at 12 Knuts a minute from a Muggle telephone line, Mobiles and Floo rates may vary)_

_**Thank you for reading, and we hope to see you soon for the 1st chapter: 'All things Pink and Rosy'**_


	2. All things Pink and Rosy

_**Ye Olde Book of Praynks. A Marauders Production**_

_**Chapter one: 'All Things Pink and Rosy'**_

Welcome back to the book to end all books!

_Yeh! Just as long as Lils is around to replace the charm every half hour, there's nothing in this world that can top this collection of parchment from being a best seller._

Other than the fact that we're not going to sell it.

_Yeh! Wait... We're not?_

No Padfoot. Why would we want to give out our secrets to snotty nosed kids who'll only try to copy us and get caught in the attempt?

_Err... well, coz it would be funny?_

**No Padfoot. If we keep the book private, then we'll still be stuff of legend for decades to come. If we let any Tom, Dick, or Harry in on the secret of our success, the illusion of our grandeur will be shattered.**

But Moony... I thought we were going to let _Harry_ have the book... But if we're not allowed to show any Tom's, Dick's or Harry's, then...

**It's a figure of speech Prongs, you can still give the book to Harry. I suggest that you don't tell Lily though, it might be hazardous to your health.**

(Wince) Yeh, point taken...

_Anyway, this afternoon's chapter is all about 'Pink and Rosy' pranks._

Now, that's not pranks that are all happy-clappy and 'nice',

_Coz we don't do that,_

**Quite,**

No. It's more about how to use colour changes, and subtle fragrances to annoy your victims.

**You see, James might act dumb sometimes, but when it comes to pranks; he's on top of his game.**

Yeh! I'm only better on one subject; Lils.

**(Snigger)**_(Cough/sneeze/gasp/exclaim)_

What!

_Yeh, anyway (snort), first on our "dos and don't-s" are simple colour-changing hexes._

**Good for changing items of clothing with in aiming range, although not too good for stealth, considering you have to stand there waving your wand in the direction of your victim for a small while.**

Obviously, the more often you do it, the easier it becomes, and the smaller the wand movement and casting time, but that's simple Charms knowledge, and you should know this already.

_A favourite for First and Second years, but if you don't want to get caught, learning to do it silently is imperative!_

Moony! I think Padfoot used his first 10 letter word!

**Aww... how cute...**

_(Cough) Moving on; Colours of choice include fluorescent 'anything',_

**Pinks, yellows, greens,**

Although, green doesn't work too well on Slytherins,

**No, if you want to target a Slytherin, try using Gryffindor colours.**

_Yeh, remember when we turned Snape's uniform into Gryffindor Quidditch robes?_

Steady Padfoot, you're getting ahead of yourself. Transfiguring clothes comes later!

**Indeed it does, I see you've been reading Lily's plan for the chapter, Prongs. I'm impressed, it's more than you ever did for NEWTs.**

Yeh, but this is much more important!

_Indeed it is! I apologise, what's next then?_

(Checks plan) Other ways of changing colours...

**How about Roman that potion? '_Interstinctus-vividari_' We tried it once on that Ravenclaw 3rd year... What was his name...**

Oh, you mean Spotty Sparkiss? That time his acne turned a nasty green colour?

_That was bad... Very bad..._

There was another, we used it on Moody only last week in the Order meeting...

**'_Vitrum Lividum_'. Yeh, but that was much funnier!**

_D'you think his skin will ever be the same again?_

At least it matched his eye!

**I hear he only drinks out of a beaker now...**

Hah, well it was bound to happen sooner or later. Earlier in the same meeting I saw him sniff the coffee that Kingsley handed him.

_Poor man... Well, least he has an excuse now..._

**Well, anyway, for beginners, Potions are probably not the way to go. There are too many variables to take into consideration.**

The ingredient quality, the timings, the hiding it from prying eyes whilst you're brewing it,

_Actually getting your target to take it without realising._

**However, for pros...**

Like us!

**...Potions are a very powerful tool. By adding extra ingredients, you can make the colour change semi-permanent, the texture shimmering, the tone brighter and even make the colour change every other hour.**

_If you combine that with a relatively simple hex, then you can get the colour to change every time someone nearby says a 'code word'._

This especially good when the code word is the target's own name. But what d'you mean 'relatively simple'! It took me until 6th year to develop that spell!

**Calm down Prongs, he simply means that once you'd perfected the spell, it was a simple one to cast. If anything, he's complimenting you on your skill at Spell-creation.**

Oh... Well... Good!

**Now, what other methods are there?**

_(Grin) How about the old 'drop a bucket of paint on their heads' prank?_

Crude, clumsy, catching people indiscriminately...

**A perfect example of thinking outside the box! Not only can you hit a large number of people, but you can totally avoid detection by simply using a levitation spell on the paint and legging it. By the time you reach the common-room, and find a decent alibi, the spell will wear off of it's own accord, and the paint will fall whilst you are the other side of the building.**

_That, and Filch has to clear up not only the paint that missed, but the paint-footprints that will trail throughout the castle._

The perfect crime!

**That it is... we've done it a few times over the years...**

_Never gets old..._

And Filch gets more irate every time...

**(Sigh)**_(Sigh)_(Sigh)

**So, that covers colour... weren't we going to say something about smells too?**

Yep! See it's on the Plan!

_(To Moony) Anyone would think HE made the damn plan, the way he's going on about it..._

**(To Padfoot) He did, I saw him in the library this morning, but he's a little embarrassed about it, so he's pretending Lily did it for him...**

_Glad to hear your wife knows all about smelling pranks, I shall have to ask her about it this evening._

**Yeh, perhaps we can get her to write a plan for every chapter?**

**(Looks expectantly at Prongs)**_(Looks expectantly at Prongs)_

Err, that's probably not a good idea...

**Why? If she's willing to write this plan,**

_And supply the Charm that's vital for this book's success,_

**Then writing another few plans should be child's play to her.**

Yeh... But... You see... Umm...

_Well, while Prongs tries to come up with a valid excuse, Moony and I shall continue with the book._

**Indeed.**

_The topic of smells is a very varied one._

**Almost worthy of a chapter in itself,**

_But we decided that it needed to go alongside the colour section for the beginner pranksters that read the book and want to start straight away._

**You see, bad smelling jinxes are actually best cast inexpertly...**

_Something about if you muck it up, it smells much worse,_

**So a beginner can actually achieve a better result than a pro...**

_But don't worry, us pro's have bigger and better ways of making people smell._

**Naturally, smelling bad is a good way of embarrassing a victim. However, it is one of the crueller pranks, due to the fact that bad-reps can be born of them.**

_Poor Fishy Fifi is an example of this..._

**Exactly, and as a result, Fiona is about the only one of Padfoot's conquests that he can remember the name of. Suffice to say, this was before we pranked her.**

_I'd argue that point, but unfortunately, it's true... (hangs head) She wasn't even stinky either... we just pranked her once, making her smell like a mackerel for a day, and she's forever tainted..._

**As I remember, we tried to do the same thing with Snape...**

Personally, I think we made him smell better.

_Nice to see you've re-joined us Prongs,_

Yeh, well, I got bored. Just don't mention the whole 'plan' thing to Lils. (Glare). Anyway, did you get to 'methods for smell related pranks' yet?

**We've covered spell-based pranks, and were about to move onto Potions.**

Ahh yes. Potions, again, are best for those who are either very good at the subject,

_Or prank GODS, like us,_

This is true. But even we've had our scrapes with these potions before.

**Remember the time Padfoot got Wormtail to move that '_Essence of Dust-Mite_' up to the 4th floor?**

_Yeh, poor Wormtail. Tripped on the way, spilt the entire flagon all over himself..._

**An entire month's worth of potion in a few seconds,**

That can scar you for life you know...

**Hey, wasn't that the week just before he worked out his animagus form?**

_You don't think that the smell could have 'influenced' him somehow?_

Perhaps... Hey! Moony! Where're you going?

**I'm off to check your library, that's where you found that book on animagi wasn't it?**

Yeh... but!

_Forget it, he's gone. You know how he gets when an 'idea' gets lodged in his over-sized brain._

If I had a Galleon for every hour that boy spent in a library, I'd be rich!

_Err... Prongs..._

Yeh Paddy?

_You're one of the richest wizards I know... and I'm a Black! I KNOW rich wizards!_

Yeh, yeh... it's only Galleons.

**I was right! (Slams book down on tabletop)**

The prodigal son returns...

**It says right here that animagi revelation can be influenced by both conscious and subconscious emotions.**

(Mutter) I didn't realise that dust mites counted as 'subconscious'.

**(Ignores the tone) Neither did i, but apparently, in this book... (drops a second tomb on the desk)**

_What did you do? Bring the entire library?_

**Quiet Padfoot, this book suggests that senses like taste and smell can effect you on a subconscious level as well as the conscious 'that tastes nasty' level!**

Great... so now we know Wormtail is a rat because 'subconsciously', he likes dust...

_Poor guy... wonder if he likes spiders too..._

You could ask him, but he's out... again...

**Yeh, where does he keep going?**

Told me he was going to visit his sick auntie... or something...

**Prongs, he doesn't have an auntie,**

Yeh, like I said... 'or something'!

_I bet he does like spiders... _

**Trying to find some more 'common ground' Padfoot?**

(Snorts) Even if Wormtail does like spiders, he's going to like them in a 'friendly' sort of way, not like your 'I like to crunch them into little bits' way.

_What? Don't look at me that way Moony! They're tasty!_

**I don't even want to know what you've eaten if you think spiders are 'tasty'...**

Anyway, girls, we have _other_ things to be doing...

_Ahh yes, Lils' plan... what's next?_

**(Peers over Prongs' shoulder) The 'Don'ts'...**

I'm sure that's not how you spell 'Don'ts'... Lils' charm must be wearing off...

**No... that's correct... but it will be wearing off soon anyway, we need to get a move on.**

_Right, so what 'don'ts' **do** we want to mention then?_

Don't use a sweet-smelling spell on yourself when you try to chat someone up, even if they blatantly fancy the pants off you, they're going to take a whiff and think you're gay...

_Hah! That was funny... Lils' really did think you were gay for like the entire first month of 1st year!_

**I think it was more a disappointment when she found out you weren't... OUCH! Prongs!**

That's for your cheek!

_(Ignoring the two) Never try to change Professor Dumbledore's (or any teacher for that matter)'s,clothing a different colour without having a direct route out of the area, and at least seven people between you and said teacher._

**Padfoot learnt that the wrong way, trying to first turn Dumbledore's robe pink...**

Then Professor McGonagall's shawl Slytherin green...

_I learnt my lesson that day..._

**Never try to brew a potion in a public loo... especially in the girl's bathroom on the 2nd floor.**

_Too right! That Moaning Myrtle is noisy enough to get ANYONE to mix up potions ingredients!_

That was bad night in the hospital wing; coughing up canaries every few minutes, didn't get a wink of sleep...

**What about not using something like real dung in your 'bucket' trick?**

_Why? What's wrong with using real dung? I seem to remember it working rather well when we tried it!_

Yeh, that's true. But I also remember having to clear it up... without magic...

_Lucky we'd already found our animagus forms by then... or we all might have turned out as dung beetles!_

**That's a pleasant thoug..t!**

O...no! ...he Ch...m i.. ...nni... ...t!

_...d.. ...a... ...v... ...ul... ...s...o... ...y... ...ki... ...n... BASTARD SPELL!_

**Ohh... a second wind...**

Good! Then I can say...

_**Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs (and Lily) Automated Response:**_

_**We regret to inform you that the charm powering this book has temporarily run out. Please remain calm and seen professional advise and counselling for your loss, although we no-longer condone the use of premium-rate Telephone numbers.**_

_**However, we're pleased to inform you that you have won a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Cornwall... To claim, simply send a black Muggle Chequebook, with your signature on every page, to:**_

_**Cornwall trip of a lifetime,**_

_**Scandalous Enterprises,**_

_**Somewhere near Cardiff,**_

_**Wales,**_

_**ENGLAND**_

_**Assuming you do this, we look forward to you joining us very soon (in Cornwall) for:**_

_**Chapter 3: 'Simple Transfiguration for Dummies'**_


	3. Simple Transfiguration for Dummies

_**Ye Olde Book of Praynks. A Marauders Production  
**__**Chapter Two: 'Simple Transfiguration for Dummies'**_

_**There... Now that that's dealt with, maybe I can get back to YOUR supper!**_

Love you Lils!

_**Yes yes, I love you too dear.**_

_Love you Lils!_

_**Unfortunately for you Sirius, I only had one 'fall in love with an idiot' card, and I used it on James... for reasons I'm still not quite sure of...**_

Nice to know I'm appreciated!

_**Yes, well, I better set back to the kitchen before Harry turns my carrots into colouring pencils again...**_

_Ahh, little Harry is Transfiguring already! What a simply **perfect** coincidence!_

It's as if Harry was doing his accidental magic on purpose...

_**James! Have you been encouraging Harry to Transfigure my vegetables!**_

N-no... T-that's n-not what I meant... W-what makes you t-think that?

_The fact that last time, Harry was using your wand?_

_**I didn't think I'd ever agree with Sirius, but yes, exactly that... and that I found you laughing your head off in the pantry a few minutes later.**_

Yeh...but...

_Didn't running from Filch for seven years teach you anything about staying at the scene of the crime!_

But...I...

_**If I EVER catch you teaching Harry to misbehave like... like... like YOU... You'll be learning to cook for yourself. Then you'll realise quite how dangerous it is to have a toddler waving a wand around behind your back! (Storms out)**_

_(Whistles)_

Shut it Padfoot!

_(Chuckles) Yes, well, welcome to this next chapter in our most illustrious book of pranks..._

And to the chapter devoted to what my son seems to have a natural talent for,

_Transfiguration!_

Now, before you get ahead of yourself and try to transfigure Dumbledore's hat into a pair of breasts,

_Like our pal Moony did back in 6th year,_

You need to know how to use the magic to it's full potential.

_And that means 'starting small'._

Exactly. For example, just because first years cant preform extravagant transfiguration, it doesn't mean that they can't be great pranksters.

_Why, even in first year, we were still the scourge of Filch and the Slytherins._

Ohh, remember that time we turned Snape's chopping knife into a lump of silver?

_Not exactly my best transfiguration of all time,_

Indeed, seeing as it never turned itself into a snake,

_But even the failed transfiguration was enough for him to drop the knife in shock,_

And right into his cauldron too... (sigh)

_I've never seen a cheering solution turn tar-like before, or since._

Forget the solution! What about the stuff that splashed onto his robes!

_(Laughs) Oh yeah! Turned them bright pink!_

Of course, it wasn't until our third year that we learnt the effects pure Silver had on a reversible Yande-Marcos potion,

_Like the Cheering solution,_

Especially during the Equinox.

_**So, basically. You're saying that it was total fluke that the prank worked.**_

_(Jumps)_(Jumps)

Damn Lils! Don't sneak up on a guy like that!

_And yes, but sometimes it's the results you don't expect that are the best!_

_**Like that time you turned poor Remus' trousers into underpants?**_

No, that was intentional.

_But when the girls started saying what good legs he had, that was an unintentional perk to the prank._

_**Poor Remus, he was so embarrassed...**_

And yet another prank using simple transfiguration! Thanks Lils, I'd forgotten about that one!

_**(Sighs and holds head in hands) No problem... (walks out)**_

_Clothes, in general, tend to be higher-level transfiguration, but if it's something like a Slytherin tie to a Gryffindor one,_

Or switching between similar types of clothing as shown by Moony's example,

_Then you can get away with amateurish transfigurations._

In fact, as with the spells covered in the last chapter, incorrect transfigurations can have amusing results that make the prank better than planned.

_Like that time Wormtail tried to turn Annabelle Park's goblet into a hamster..._

It was only a partial transfiguration at best, but it ended up both scaring the living daylights out of her, and spilling pumpkin juice all over her robes in 'its' attempt to escape.

_That was in our third year, and another good thing to the prank was that McGonagall thought the transfiguration was so bad that it had to have been a first year that did it..._

One of the only times we got away with a prank once it got her attention.

_Actually, that's a good point. Never, EVER attempt a transfiguration-based prank in front of, or in the general vicinity of McGonagall or whoever's teaching Transfiguration at the time._

They'll smell it coming a mile away, and be bearing down on you before you can even get your wand back in your pocket,

_Or sleeve,_

Or wherever you put it,

_There were rumours that Snape kept his in his..._

Padfoot, this is meant to be a serious book on pranks, not a collection of horror stories.

_Hmm, yes... Maybe that isn't exactly family viewing..._

Unfortunately, the same thing couldn't be said for Snivelus' wand... (snigger)

_(snigger) Anyway... On with the pranking issues._

For simple Transfiguration, smaller is better.

_Well, it's easier anyway._

And for that reason, it's better!

_(Harrumph) Yeh, well... Things like quills, pencils for the muggleborns, shoe laces, ties,_

Parchment, jewellery, cutlery, mugs and beakers, small articles of food,

_Although, you have to be careful with that, you don't want to poison someone._

Indeed, the same thing goes with drinks.

_Not really, considering that Dumbledore charmed the beakers himself, to prevent anyone changing what's inside them._

Apparently he didn't agree with student's being tipsy whilst in lessons...

_Other things like rocks and branches work well when you're in and around the grounds,_

And the statues and suits of armour within the castle provide an almost in-exhaustible source of easily Transfigured scrap-metal.

_Just, don't let Filch see you doing it, or he'll have you polishing it until you can see backwards in time with the reflection._

Actually, that would explain how I thought I saw a corporal Moaning Myrtle in the reflection of one once.

_I still stand by my story that you simply saw a crying Laura Atherton. If you remember, you'd turned her hair clip into a small snake only a few minutes before._

Serves her right, for having the thing in her hair in the first place. It hadn't really taken magic anyway, it looked real enough from across the classroom.

_If it worked like that, I would have turned your hair into a haystack by now..._

Hey! You're just jealous that my hair is blacker than yours, Mr Black!

_You know, for the second smartest person in our year, you're kinda dumb when it comes to insults._

Second smartest! I s'pose that means you're the smartest then? Bah! Who was it that thought of switching Dumbledore's roast duck with a live one?

_You call that a prank? The one where I switched Filch's cleaning cloth with a Slytherin scarf was much better!_

Better than the time when Moony Transfigured Slughorn's chopped nettle root into shredded nettle root!

_No, but this isn't about his pranking abilities! It's about your lack thereof!_

You realise that I taught you all you know about Transfiguration pranking!

_Exactly! You taught, I IMPROVED!_

Improved, my ass! Before I taught you how to do it, you couldn't switch a Quaffle for a Waffle!

_Maybe, but when I did, you should have seen the look on Roberts' face! Priceless!_

You realise that's now in '_Hogwarts – A History'_?

_Yeh, I saw. The only time in living memory where a keeper saved a goal by 'eating' the Quaffle!_

_(Sigh)_(Sigh)

It's too bad you never learnt how to Transfigure food properly...

_Yeh. I'd rather not have seen the ball re-surfacing, along with the rest of his breakfast._

That must've been one _nasty_ Quaffle...er..Waffle.

_Hey! It might not have been so bad if Barrister hadn't dropped the ball in the mud a few minutes before!_

Really? You think that? I'd always assumed it would make it taste nicer...

_(Harrumph) Just 'coz you can transfigure a 3 course meal from the hind leg of a Hippogriff doesn't mean we should all be able to!_

So you admit it! I _am_ better than you!

_No... I said you were better at Transfiguring FOOD. That doesn't mean you're better than me!_

Yes it does!

_No, it doesn't!_

Does!

_Doesn't!_

D..oes!

_D...n.t..._

_**Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Automated Response:  
**__**It appears that the charm has once again worn off this wondrous invention of ours. You were undoubtedly enjoying an informative yet entertaining explanation of simple Transfiguration, but unfortunately, that's all the time we have today. We hope you learnt something from this experience.**_

_**Join us next time, for another lesson in teamwork and cooperation, when we discuss the exact and delicate art of 'Potions - A Many Varied Arsenal'.**_


	4. Potions, A Many Varied Arsenal

**_Ye Olde Book of Praynks. A Marauders Production  
Chapter Three: 'Potions - A Many Varied Arsenal'_**

In Order of Appearance: **_Lily Evans Potter _**/ Moony (Name Undisclosed)

* * *

_**Et Voila! And notice my new feature!**_

Thanks Lily. Nice work on the whole name thing, although don't you think it kinda gives the game away if your name is mentioned?

**_I've always said you shouldn't use those stupid names, it's not like people don't know who you are Remus!_**

Well, with you saying my name... I'm not really surprised.

**_Hehe... Oh cheer up Remus. It's not all that bad. Okay, to make it up to you I'll help you with this chapter._**

I didn't think you approved of this book though...

_**Well, if you promise not to tell James, then I'm quite happy to help. I'd rather the person who reads this gets the prank done right, as apposed to blowing off his own hand trying to make a potion incorrectly.**_

Heh. I knew there had to be an ulterior motive behind you helping.

_**However, despite that, you know you want me to help. I'm just so goddamned good at potions.**_

………………

_**What?**_

Lily, you just swore…

_**Yes, and?**_

………………

_**You obviously weren't round the house last Halloween then.**_

Oh, is this the infamous 'Prongs and Padfoot scare the hell out of a pregnant Evans' incident?

_**I was married at the time Remus, as well you know, but yes, THAT incident.**_

That's about the only time I've ever been grateful of a full moon…

_**Remus! The paper!**_

Huh? OH! Crap… er…

_**Isn't there a way to delete the line?**_

How should I know!? It's _your _charm!

_**Dammit!**_

(sighs) Don't worry about it. I'm sure it'll be common knowledge by the time we get round to passing this on, if Severus has anything to do with it. And Harry'll know anyway.

_**Harry is NOT going to inherit this book, don't you dare Remus. But Severus Snape? What's he got to do with it?**_

He… Er, found out… one night… back in our 6th year…

_**Oh Remus! You didn't… y-you know…**_

No Lily. James managed to stop him getting to close to me, but it was a close run thing. Dumbledore forbade Severus from saying anything about it, but I'm not too sure if that'll hold true now we've all left Hogwarts.

_**Remus…**_

Anyway! (coughs) Shall we get on?

_**Well, only if you want to… we can do it another time, if you like?**_

No Lily, now will be fine. It was along time ago, and I've gotten over it. I suggest you do too.

**……………**

So anyway, this week's topic it Potions, in all shapes and sizes, all colours and creeds. When it comes down to it, Potions are the most valuable and versatile pranking resource you have. The simple reason for this is their sheer adaptability. There are potions that put you to sleep, potions that can make your hair fall out, or turn electric blue, and there are potions that can make you feel like you're floating on a cloud, when your really dancing the hoola and singing the Spanish national anthem.

_**Poor Professor Grubbyplank, I still can't get over the fact you did that to her!**_

It was Padfoot's idea! Thanks for supplying the gnarled root of moon-born oak by the way.

_**James swore it was for his potions project!**_

Now now Lily, you sat next to him in potions that year! Surely you knew his assignment was to produce a Divining potion using the skin of a March Hare somewhere in the process. Using oak, in any form, wasn't suitable in the slightest, it would have totally counteracted the sliver of silverworm due to the Faggin Principle.

_**I realise that now! But I was trying to comfort little Dory Peters at the time. Little did I know that James was the cause of that too.**_

I did tell him that if you found out he was picking on first years again, you'd skin him alive.

_**Don't worry, I found out eventually, and then he felt my wrath.**_

(laughs) Is _that_ what you call it?

_**(blushes, glares) I don't know what you mean.**_

In any case, it was a good prank, and an example of what can happen _if_ you do it properly.

_**On the other hand, do it badly, and you may not have a hand anymore!**_

Lily, this is meant to be informative, not a horror story.

_**They need to know the risks involved!**_

If they attend Potions at all, they'll know the risks. And if they attempt a Potion without going to the class, then I think they deserve to get their hand blown clean off for stupidity.

_**A little harsh, but I can see where you're coming from.**_

So, if you've done your share of dangerous potion making, and you feel confident to carry on despite the fact you may loose a few fingers, irrespective of what we tell you to mix together in the cooking pot of doom, read on.

_**If, on the other hand, you value being able to play the piano or any other musical instrument, I'd suggest moving onto the next chapter before we put any ideas in your head.**_

Right, so that was the disclaimer. Now on with the lesson.

_**First, you're going to have to choose a likely target. Remember, pranking with Potions isn't all about the brewing. You've also got to pull the thing off, and if you choose someone who's as paranoid as a basilisk in a farmyard at dawn, you're going to get caught with your trousers down, and all your patient brewing will have been in vain.**_

(silence)

_**What? Remus...**__**What?!**_

Since when have you known about the underside of pranking?! You sound like a seasoned pro!

_**Like you, I suppose? I have learnt something from hanging around you for close to 4 years you know.**_

You better keep an eye on little Harry, Lily. You realise he has two extremely intelligent and resourceful prankers as parents. Your wish for him not to be like his father might be wasted, if you have a sly side twice as big as any Slytherin.

_**Why d'you think I'm so worried?**_

(Laughs) Anyway, Lily has a point. As with any prank, you need to pick a susceptible target. There's no point, for example, making Severus drink a vial of 'greasy-hair-solution', because even if it works, you wouldn't notice a difference.

_**Remus! That's a very mean thing to say!**_

Mean, but truthful.

_**(Sighs in defeat)**_

In similar fashion. Whist it may be very funny to see Professor Dumbledore's face turn into that of a rabbit every time he mentions the words 'Nitwit', 'Blubber', 'Oddment' or 'Tweak', pulling it off is next to impossible.

_**That was YOU!?**_

Heh, that's how I know. It really was almost impossible, and I still say he knew all about what we were up to. He only drank it to humour and encourage us.

_**Encourage you? Surely he wouldn't.**_

Maybe not the pranking, but making a transfiguring potion that responds to word commands is very advanced for 5th years. That's what I think he was encouraging.

_**Fair enough. Although, to those of you reading; don't try that with any other Professor, Prof. McGonagall would skin you alive, even if it did involve her beloved transfiguration.**_

Indeed. Although there are some potions that may help you get away with stuff under her nose.

_**You mean like the Polyjuice potion? Or Disillusionment Draught? The Polyjuice is a little risky, because if she catches you, and you change back before she releases you, then you're in even more trouble.**_

The Disillusionment Draught is a little better than that. It doesn't make you invisible, but if you move slowly, or stop altogether, you'll blend into your surroundings as if you weren't there. However, if it wares out, then you're still in big trouble.

_**Seeing as the Ministry carefully controls both potions, I'd say 'big trouble' is an understatement.**_

In that case, we better stick to legal potions, even if they are being used in a less-than-legal way.

_**A simple Rosepetal Potion is good if you want to embarrass a guy before a date.**_

Oh, that's cruel! It'll make you smell like you're wearing cheap women's perfume! Of course, the better it's brewed, the nicer it smells, but the point still stands that a guy doesn't want to smell like that on a first date!

_**Or on any date as a matter of fact. Although, I wouldn't object to a sweet-smelling James…**_

Don't even think it Lily. He'd never forgive you, especially if Padfoot found out.

_**Any how many times has James done things that I'll 'never forgive' him for? Huh?**_

Point taken. Moving on, perhaps we should touch on methods of getting potions into people.

_**Many people won't be hard to fool in the slightest. The amount of people I've watched spontaneously turn into ballerinas is a credit to that. All you need to do is get the potion into their drink or food.**_

Now, this does take practice to do. Wormtail, despite is appalling potionmaking technique, is a Master of sneaking things into goblets. He is the only one of us Marauders that can actually get Severus to drink anything we've tampered with.

_**Then again, you try so often that it's not surprising that a potion or two gets through every so often. Maybe** **Peter's just lucky?**_

And maybe the moon just becomes whole once a month by chance. No, I'm sorry Lily, Wormtail really is good at this. This and disappearing.

_**Like the past few days?**_

I have noticed his absence. One day I hope he gets round to telling us where he is.

_**That, or Vertiserum is always an option…**_

Ahh yes, back to Potions. Of course, Vertiserum is another controlled substance, but it can be fun to use on friends.

_**Use on enemies would be dangerous. Just imagine if someone found out they'd been targeted with the serum, the ministry would have to investigate.**_

Well, I think that's going a bit too far, but there's another side to using Vertiserum on friends, other than for fun. After a while you build up a resistance to its effects, which can help you keep your mind whilst an enemy uses it on you…

_**Is THAT why James is so good at telling lies!?**_

Heh, that's an advantageous side effect of repeated use too.

_**Anyway, other ways of getting potions into food, other than asking Peter…**_

Diversions work well. You know, the old 'turn the entire Slytherin table pink with a time delayed transfiguration spell placed on the bench, and then levitate the salt shakers, which were actually replaced by 'crystallised potion shakers', over all food on the table, or the food of your target' diversion. It's a well-documented method, and many experts claim there's no better way.

_**Those 'experts', of course, are the ones that invented it…**_

Naturally! (smirk)

_**What about forcing it down their throats?**_

Risky at best. One of the principle rules of Pranyking is not to let the target know who their attacker is, unless it's part of the Praynk. You could always stun them first, then force it down their throats, but people tend to remember the precise moment they were stunned in minute detail. They may still remember enough to piece together enough, and then there's always the incriminating evidence left on the caster's wand.

_**So, in short, shoving the potion down their throats is to be avoided. Unless you can perform a very convincing Oblivation.**_

And that's risky in itself, dangerous even.

_**Yeh, actually, don't do that.**_

What else is there?

_**Potions on self?**_

Aha! I knew there was a reason I kept you around today!

_**Oh, thanks…**_

Yes, potions you give to yourself can have very interesting and productive results.

_**We've already touched on Polyjuice, Disillusionment and Vertiserum, but there are much simpler potions that can have just as much effect.**_

Indeed, such as the infamous '_Forget Me Not-Not_' potion, which makes everyone who sees you, bar Dumledore, forget you were there the instant you exit their vision.

_**The only problem with brewing this potion is the fact that brewers tend to forget they're brewing it, and therefore tend to leave it for too long to brew properly.**_

It's best to use a shift system to keep at least one person brewing the potion at all times over the 7 hour process. Otherwise all you'll notice it your potion making supply deplenishing, with no apparent explanation…

_**Quite infuriating. I remember when you and James asked me to help you with this potion once. I couldn't understand why you needed help on such a simple potion process, but I soon understood, then forgot, then understood again, then forgot again...**_

We get where ypu're going Lily, but once the potion is successfully brewed, the brewers tend to regain their memory of the entire ordeal. They just forget where they put the potion to hide it…

_**No! You forgot because you were trying to chat up that Ravenclaw girl at the same time as transporting it to your 'secret place'. We never did find that batch…and it took HOURS to find you OR that girl - what was her name - Rosie Barber!**_

(Smug) I suppose no one could remember seeing us?

_**Huff! Well, it's not like James and I haven't used the same trick…**_

Please! I don't want to know.

_**Aww! Is poor Remus worried it might damage his delicate little inexperienced mind?**_

(Snorts) Inexper..nced? Is that w..at y…think? Jus…coz…ou've got…kid…

_**Y….…t's ….. thin……talked…..Tonks…nd….ow ….actly …….you ….t…**_

……..f……….th………………..er……………it...

_**Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Automated Response:**_

All good things must come to an end, and we totally agree with you when you say this book is one of the greatest things of all time! Remember, you'll never see us in a library (in fact, we've charmed it so it'll dissillusion within dusty tombs as a safety precaution), so if you want your own copy, send us a blank cheque, and a cover letter telling us why you're worthy of owning your own copy of this historic book.

Next time you turn the page; you should find yourself in 'Evasion and Escape – A Survival Guide'. However, it may be hiding, so you'll have to do with whatever stand-in we can find at short notice…

For more info, go to this 'Forum': www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/ft/388320/24287/1/  
Whatever a 'Forum' is...


	5. Evasion & Escape, A Survival Guide

**_Ye Olde Book of Praynks. A Marauders Production  
Chapter Four: 'Evasion and Escape – A Survival Guide'_**

In Order of Appearance: Prongs (Name Undisclosed)/ **Padfoot (Name Undisclosed)

* * *

**

And there she goes... Evading us like a pro!

**Better than you even. Not that that's hard.**

Um, excuse me! I don't think that's entirely fair.

**Says the man who got caught with strawberry jam all over his hands...**

That wasn't coz I was eating it!

**...forearms...**

It was Harry!

**...elbows, and lastly...**

This isn't fair!

**...mouth!**

OKAY! OKAY! It was a nice looking jam though...

**(snigger) So, now we've established you're crap at it, let's move on.**

(mutter under breath)

**This chapter is all about escape and evasion,**

Or evasion and escape... if you believe the title...

**What can I say? It's a slippery subject?!**

(makes noise like symbols – badly) Bu-bum!

**Hah! Even the book thinks your symbol sounds are bad!**

No, Lily does, and therefore the book does. The book doesn't have a conscience of it's own. Stupid.

**(Harrumph) Maybe.**

Yes, exactly! So now that we've established that YOU'RE stupid, let's move on... again.

**(Harrumph)**

Now, being _stupid_, Padfoot would know all about pranks going wrong.

**Unfortunately (glare), but it's not just me! Even for people like this smart-arse here, things can still go wrong.**

Alas, Dumbo is correct. On more than one occasion, things have gone wrong for myself, and not all of them because of poor timing or planning.

**Well. Some people might count unfortunate gaseous exchanges as poor planning...**

Hmm... indeed... But, if you're referring to the time I think you are, I believe that was partly your fault for feeding me cheese the night before.

**'Tis true. Although the smell did have the added advantage of getting rid of any witnesses for that prank.**

As well as the target.

**That being the major disadvantage, other than the smell itself.**

Indeed.

**Anyway, for this precise reason...**

...that plans can go wrong, not for problematic passing of wind - although getting out the area quickly is a good idea in this case too...

**...we have paths of exit and escape.**

Now, this is achieved partly by skill, partly by good planning, but also...

**-and mostly-**

...by luck.

**You can't just 'expect' to be lucky however, no matter how much of our friend Felix you ingest.**

And this is why we plan.

**That's right. And the first part of any good plan is choosing your place of ambush.**

Assuming it's an ambush you're planning.

**Oh, yeh. Well, if it's not. You need to know exactly where you'll be when things are likely to get hairy.**

Now, these 'hairy' times -as Padfoot put it- are usually thus: _One_ – when plotting a prank.

**While the common-room is great for throwing ideas around, and the library great for research, never confuse the two. The half finished essays in the common-room are likely to be wrong anyway, and the library is a labyrinth of bookshelves that hold not only books the size of your entire upper body, but sneaky little classmates who 'can't help' but to overhear your private conversations. For similar reasons – never attempt anything _personal_ there either.**

Indeed!_ Two_ – when setting up the prank.

**Running through the main hall with a cauldron full of _Konvertaepiedis _-an effective potion to switch the left and right feet over- isn't recommended. Especially when Professor Slughorn can sniff the stuff out at twenty paces. Oh, and trying to brew the stuff in the room across from his office isn't a good idea either.**

No, but that's more to do with the ghoul that lives in there. And _Three_ – when the prank actually goes down.

**Things tend to get heated, and although there's always a large distraction on hand (the pranked individual(s)), if you've got your wand pointed at him/her/them, people do tend to notice.**

And so, you have to plan, plan, plan...

**...and then plan some more.**

In fact, plan so much that if someone jumps out of the woodwork and starts talking to you only four seconds before your planned prank, it won't make a difference because the rest of the team will be able to cope without you.

**But, if all this fails, you need an escape route!**

Staircases work, but only downwards. When you're going upwards, you're too open to being spotted.

**Remember; when you're escaping, you're also trying to keep your identity a secret. You want to get away AND out of sight at the same time.**

Hard, but possible with practice.

**Yes! He said 'practice'!**

Start in a public place...

**...like the great hall...**

...and play a game of 'snitch and seeker'...

**...but not with one of your friends as the seeker.**

No, because the idea of this game isn't just to not get caught. It's to not get identified.

**So, what you do first is find a target...**

...preferably someone slow if you're new at this.

**Alternatively, for the expert, make it the fastest and smartest person you can.**

Then what you do is do something to make them run after you.

**Thievery does work, but seeing as you don't want to get caught, giving it back can be a hassle.**

Other methods include pinching their arse,

**blowing in their ear,**

shoving their head in the plate of spaghetti they're currently eating,

**dropping a note in their lap insulting their family,**

or, if that's a little harsh, make it a note telling them to follow you using suggestive language...

**Did that once... Poor Liam spent the next few days looking like he'd been stood up when I managed to loose him.**

Poor him... Although I do wonder how he could have mistaken your form with a girl, even with your hood up.

**Don't you know? Liam's gay.**

Gay?! As in Terrance Fletcher kind of gay, or Brian West kind of gay?

**Terry was just overly flamboyant. No, I'm talking about Brian's kind of gay, with a few extra bells added for good effect. I think they went out for a while too...**

Damn... I never saw that one coming.

**Neither did his girlfriend. She didn't date for over a year after they split up, convinced she'd 'turned' him.**

No! Sally-Anne? Sally-Anne Gainsborough?! I thought she was just shy! Wait, didn't you and her date for a few weeks in 7th year?

**(smirk) Who d'you think told me Liam was gay?**

(sigh) I should've known! Anyway, this did have a point... I think...

**It did! It shows the importance of learning methods of getting rid of a tail.**

Oh... Right... Unless you're gay...

**In which case, you'll use the same skills to get rid of the girls who follow you around like sheep.**

Useful! So, we start with the obvious. Walk fast, and turn corners as often as possible. DON'T RUN! It draws attention to yourself.

**Don't look back to see where they are. That'll just give them a better look at your face, and they'll know you're trying to get away.**

Instead, use shiny objects -like suits of armour- to look behind you.

**If you're female, perhaps a compact mirror? Just, remember to actually 'use' the mirror at the same time, or it'll be obvious.**

I see you're quite the expert at using compacts Padfoot... care to explain?

**Not really. Other ways to loose people include learning to walk through a crowd of people going in the opposite direction with ease.**

The skill in this is to learn to actually _slow down_. It may feel like you're letting your pursuer catch up, but when they try to run through the crowd of people, they'll be the ones slowed as they bump into every one of the people you slipped neatly by.

**In addition, if the pursuer hits someone hard enough, they may feel the need to stop and help. This, of course, should give you enough time to properly disappear.**

This collision can be arranged, however, if you plant an accomplice in the crowd. When you pass through, this person lets you go, but as your pursuer tries to follow, the accomplice 'steps' into their path and promptly gets knocked to the floor. With a few loose pieces of old parchment to send flying, and a quick spell to cause a nosebleed, the accomplice can really stall the pursuer, especially with the entire crowd as witnesses to play on the pursuer's mind.

**Accomplices can be used in other ways. A girlfriend, or boyfriend for the female (or gay) pranker, can be a very convincing alibi, as well as a way of getting a pursuer off your tail if you start snogging the daylights out of them as soon as you turn a corner.**

It has to be done right, however. I suggest in a smallish corridor, so it's possible that 'you' may have rounded the next corner before your pursuer reaches the first, and I'd also get working on your '_How DARE you interrupt us!_' or '_Oh my gosh I'm embarrassed_' looks. And naturally, you'd have to have a partner who was in on the prank.

**And girls who actually think pranking is a legitimate way to pass time are few and far between.**

Indeed. However, sometimes your pursuer _will_ catch up with you. There are a number of ways that you _must_ learn to get rid of them.

**Putting an anti-grip charm on your clothing, making it impossible to grab hold of, and also helps you slip through crowds easier.**

Muggles, while they can't use magic, do know some cool ways to make a grown man cry. A quick twist of a wrist and a swift kick in the privates is all it takes to get rid of a tail who gets too close. Done properly, and they won't even see your face. However, this is probably not a good thing to do to a Professor, no matter the circumstance.

**Casting spells silently to hinder your tail is a useful trick along the same lines. Don't bother doing it verbally, as you give away both your voice, and your intention to do something nasty to your pursuer. If this person is a Prof, this is a very bad thing.**

And lastly... Learning when to give yourself up.

**Ahh yes. Very important.**

At a certain point, the acts you commit in trying to escape elapse the prank, and this is when you really get into trouble.

**What you've got to learn is that 'it's just a prank'. Assuming you haven't done anything _stupid_, like attempt to hurt other people physically.**

Because the entire point to a prank is it's _funny_! It's not a way to bully people. Although, revenge is acceptable.

**The point Prongs is _trying_ to make, is that if you've kept to the ideals of pranking, and made the majority of people laugh, the punishment for being caught isn't going to be the end of the world.**

Possibly the other side of the Forbidden forest, but not the end of the world.

**And that sometimes being recognised for the prank isn't all that bad.**

How'd you think we got so famous?

**I thought that was because of that banner we hung after the Halloween incident in 3rd year?**

Perhaps. I still say it was because of some of our more _public _punishments that people started to notice us.

**Especially when they came after a rather good prank.**

Naturally. Now, the punishment does depend on the Professor. Flitwick won't kill you for adding a little amusement to his day, the same with Dumbledore.

**Potions teachers, and the odd DADA teacher however, will usually go the entire opposite direction and put you in detention with filch for an entire week,**

Or month... if you're unlucky.

**It really does depend.**

And... that's really all I have to say...

**Wow. We finished before Lily's charm. Either we're loosing our touch, or she's getting better at the charm.**

I think it's probably...

* * *

_**Lily's Automated Response:**_

Yes, I fixed the annoying stuttering at the end of the chapters.

Yes, I managed to write my own end note.

Yes, I like it this way.

No Potter can get one over on me! HA!

Join us next time for a chapter on 'Love – and All Things Girly'

Hehe, wait until they realise they have to talk about _that _for an entire chapter!


	6. Love and All Things Girly

_**Ye Olde Book of Praynks. A Marauders Production  
**__**Chapter Five: 'Love – and All Things Girly'**_

In Order of Appearance: Padfoot (Name Undisclosed) / **Moony (Name Undisclosed)  
****  
****

* * *

**

(irate) What d'you _mean_, 'Love and all things girly'!?

**Calm down, Padfoot.**

(more irate) What d'you mean _calm down_!? Have you seen the topic!?

**(sigh) Yes, Padfoot, I have seen today's title.**

Then how can you be so calm?

**Because, my furry friend, this is actually quite a good topic.**

...it is?

**Yes, it is.**

Er... why?

**Think about it Padfoot. I know that might be a bit of a struggle, but I'll try to go slow for you. Just try to recall how many times over the years have you preformed a prank that you could put under this category?**

(blank look)

**(sigh) Okay, so you might need a bit of help with this one. How about just the other day, when you put some of Lily's lipstick on little Harry?**

(snigger) You should have seen Prongs' face...

**Or what about that time in forth year that we slipped that time-delayed love potion in Severus' goblet, and he fell in love with his cauldron in the middle of Potions?**

(more sniggering) He accidentally dipped his nose in the sneezing solution he was brewing at the time... I'd never heard anyone declaring love for an inanimate object before, and certainly never at the same time as having a seizure.

**See! This is a good topic, and one that needs to be covered if we want this book to be a success.**

Perhaps... But where do we start? As you've just pointed out, there's so much to cover.

**Indeed there is. (rubs chin in a scholarly manner) There's the obvious with love potions and transfiguring trousers into skirts, but then there's the less obvious. 'All Things Girly' could mean a number of things; charming a guy into thinking he's suddenly grown a pair of breasts for instance...**

Feeding a guy a potion that actually _grows_ him breasts...

**Good Padfoot. Then there's turning the same guy's voice into that of a girl. These would all come under the title.**

In that case, I think we should start with the obvious. Love potions are the most interesting anyway.

**Interesting, Padfoot, or easy?**

(shrug) Both...

**(sigh) Okay. So, first off, the reader needs to know there are many different types of love potions.**

Indeedy! They range from causing mild attractions, to full blown obsessions.

**Apparently, for some unknown reason, they'll never actually produce 'love' as we see in everyday life. But if you've ever seen somebody under the effects of Amortentia, they can get pretty damn close!**

Who was it that we made you like again?

**(glare) Ruby Redgrave. A right bitch... I can't believe I let her parade me about like that... Come to think of it, still I can't believe _you _let her parade me about like that!**

(gulp) Down boy! And don't look at me like that! It's disturbing.

**So is remembering what you put me through.**

Yeh, but nobody else can remember. That was our 'February of Love'! Me and Prongs threw Amortentia around the place like it was pumpkin juice, everyone was too busy being infatuated that they didn't notice everyone else doing the same.

**To this day, it's a month that nobody brings up in conversation, except you of course, and at highly inappropriate times too...**

At the breakfast table is _not_ an inappropriate time!

**That's open to debate, but the time I was thinking about was at Prongs and Lily's wedding, in the middle of your Best-man speech.**

(shrug) Ahh, what's the big deal? She was already married the the guy at that point, it wasn't like they could split up over it.

**All the same, mentioning that their first kiss was due to Prongs effectively _drugging _her with Amortentia isn't the way to celebrate their coming together. Especially when Prongs had oblivated the memory from Lily's mind.**

Something I'd advised against at the time.

**(blink) You _knew!?_**

Didn't you?

**(sigh) Moving on... Love potions are one of the most powerful tools you have when it comes to manipulating girls, simply because the female race are much more easily influenced by their own feelings.**

Indeed. My whole dating strategy revolves around getting girls to feel what I want them to feel. Then they do the rest for me.

**(deadpan) Otherwise known as 'manipulation'.**

If it works...

**The normal response would be 'don't fix it', but in your case it's more like 'do it more and more, until you've used it on every woman you know'.**

Exactly; 'don't fix it'!

**(sigh) Yes, well, the point I was trying to make is that while Love potions are one of the best ways, or should I say 'most efficient' ways of manipulating women...**

Or men, if this goes to little Harry's future sister...

**...err, yes, _or men,_ it's not the only option open to you.**

There are many others, like my natural charm and wit...

**Or, if you want something more reliable...**

Hey!

**...there's always the simple Cheering Charm to get them in a good mood, or a Depressant Draught to get them in a mood that you could use to, say, 'comfort' them.**

(stares at Moony) Putting that jab at my personality aside for a moment; Moony! I never knew you had it in you! Who knew you could be so underhand!

**I don't hang around you and Prongs for seven years and not pick up a few bad habits.**

(smug) I'm glad to see we had a positive effect on you.

**Hmm... Anyway. This wasn't meant to be all about how to seduce the opposite sex, this was meant to be about Love and Girls.**

(shrug) What's the difference?

**And there, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have conclusive proof that Padfoot has never been in a serious _loving_ relationship.**

Oh, and you have!?

**(glare) ...my circumstances are somewhat different to yours, Padfoot. _But_, for your information, I _have _been in love before.**

You mean with that weird girl... err... Hufflepuff... glasses...

**I can't believe I'm discussing my personal life on this thing, but yes, Padfoot, that _weird _girl. Her name was Clara, but to be honest, I'd have been totally amazed if you'd remembered that.**

(scratches chin) I remember her! She was the one who had a fascination with nifflers, kneasles, wearwolves... most things furry...

**Oi!**

I say it as I see it, my friend... say it as I see it.

**(dirty stare) If I said what I could see in front of me now, this book would have to be an 'adult only' affair...**

In that case, we should move on.

**What did you have in mind, _friend_.**

(totally ignorant of the aggressive tone of voice) Well friend, female clothing is always fun to throw around.

**(snort) So _that's_ what you do when you lock yourself in the 'Come and Go' room.**

Amongst other things...

**(mouth agape)**

...but I was talking about the sort of stuff we used to do to Snivillus. You know, transfigure his robe into a flowery cape. Or there was always that last Halloween; with the faire-dust in his hair.

**I still don't want to know how you got hold of that stuff. It's a Grade 3 restricted good!**

Perhaps, but you don't get where I am in life without a few high-placed contacts...

**And where in life _are_ you exactly?**

Why, right where I deserve to be!

**(raised eyebrow) Interesting thought... However, you do bring up a good point with transfiguration. It's a very useful tool at the best of times, but with this topic there are many things that can be done with it.**

Right! Transfiguring clothes is the most basic use of the skill. Trousers to skirts...

**..._very _short skirts...**

...ties to pink dickie-bows...

**...shoes to glass slippers...**

...you get the idea.

**Anything even slightly effeminate is almost guaranteed to embarrass your target, assuming he's male.**

Incidentally, if you transfigure a girl's clothing into the male equivalent, you don't get an embarrassed girl; you get several drooling males. Girls in guy's clothing are _hot_!

**Said like a true male there, Padfoot.**

Who were you expecting? Lockhart?

**He was always more female than male...**

Spent more time in front of his mirror than in lessons that boy...

**Wonder where he disappeared to after leaving...**

Anyway, if you ever see him, Lockhart is the perfect target for this sort of praynk.

**Vain, self-obsessive, cocky...**

We once transfigured his pointed hat into a pretty power-blue bonnet...

**That was the last time he ever wore a hat in public.**

What else is there?

**(thinking) What about... smells? (smiles)**

(smirks) Ahh... I get what you're thinking...

**That time with Professor Reybeurn and his pet budgie?**

(laughs) No, that was a good praynk, but it doesn't compare to what we did to 'Big Rich'!

**(groans) Not so much 'Big Rich' as 'Little W...

* * *

**

_**Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Automated Response:**_

If you're reading this, the chapter is over. We here at Marauders HQ hope we weren't about to disclose anything vaguely interesting. If so, I guess you'll just have to turn the page and read the next chapter... if it's there...

We here at Marauders HQ are always listening to our viewers, and if you have any suggestions you would like see included in later chapters, please visit the link below. There should be a generous amount of banter with us, the authors, and your good selves.

For more info, go to this Forum: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/ft/388320/24287/1/

Oh, and reviews are also encouraged!

Thank you for listening!

(in background) How do you turn this thing off again?

**(in background) That switch there!**

(in background) This o...


	7. The Greenhouse as an Arsenal

_**Ye Olde Book of Praynks. A Marauders Production  
**__**Chapter Six: 'The Greenhouse as an Arsenal'**_

In Order of Appearance: Prongs (Name Undisclosed) / **Padfoot (Name Undisclosed) **/ _Lily Potter _/

* * *

(Snore) 

**Prongs...**

(Grunt)

**Prongs!**

(Incoherent mutterings – something about margarine)

**Lils, can you come in here and wake your pathetic excuse for a husband up!**

_(From other room) Sure, I'll be right in with the bucket of water..._

What?! I'm up... I'm up!

**Impressive! Anyhoo, now that we're all conscious... **(Grunt) **...we can get on with the next chapter, which is all to do with what you can find in those marvellous things called 'greenhouses'.**

Naturally, at this point Padfoot turns to me because he's never set foot in a greenhouse in his life.

**(Scoff) I'll have you know that some of my best memories are from times I've ventured into greenhouses!**

And maybe it's best we don't go into too much detail with those memories... I don't want my kids scarred.

**Err... yeh... perhaps that's a good idea...**

However, in case by the time this thing gets to print the use of Greenhouses has been made illegal by Scridgemor... **(wouldn't put it past him) **...they're used to grow plants of all kinds.

**The more exotic the better!**

For our purposes anyway.

**(Grins in remembrance) One of my personal favourites is the Congan strain of man-eating fly-traps. You see, they don't have large mouths with strange and wonderful digestive juices... **(more on that later) **...Instead, they have these huge whip-like vines that fly out and stick to their pray, before dragging them back to the plant where it then crushes them to death.**

Muggles mistake them for giant Anacondas on a regular basis. How you mistake a plant for a giant snake is anyone's guess, but they do...

**This marvellous plant turns into a praynk surprisingly simply. Now, this plant is a born killer, so make sure you don't use fully-grown adults, the juveniles are more than capable for praynking purposes.**

(Morbidly) It's always funny until someone gets killed...

**(Not morbid in the slightest) Indeed! So, the way this works is that you hide one of these plants in a rarely-used broom closet or similar, hide and take aim at the door handle, and then simply wait for your target to walk by. When the victim does make an appearance, you zap open the closet and the fly-trap lashes out, grabbing the nearest human it finds and dragging it back into the closet.**

Then it's a simple case of closing the broom closet and walking off without looking too guilty or overly-pleased with yourself. Assuming you haven't used a plant that will kill the poor kid, they should be able to free themselves within a few hours.

**(Sigh) It's a classic that will never go out of fashion, and the only hard part is getting your hands on the plant in the first place. A quick '****_Impedimenta_****' will freeze the plant whilst you 'position' it, so no worries there. **

And there's another thing, if freezing it doesn't work, then the plant is much too mature to use in a praynk.

**(Scratches chin) So, what else is there?**

Ahh, there's so many to choose from!

**Most the simple ones involve vines that like to grab limbs, much like the fly-trap, but we won't bore you by going over more of the same.**

Instead, I think we'll go onto the many varied liquid samples that you can get from plants.

**You probably remember us mentioning the digestive juices of the majority of the fly-trap populous.**

(Childlike grin) Always fun to smear onto someone's cauldron stand near the middle of the Potions lesson. You're almost guaranteed that the potion gets spilled within the last ten minuted of the lesson, and if you're a good enough aim, you can guarantee it spills over a target too!

**Then there's the hallucinogenic ones from the more Amazonian vines. They can be easily added to pumpkin juice with their morning meal. Your target will be high for the rest of the day, especially funny on a day with double Transfiguration _and_ double Potions.**

The puss from the Australian 'Eucalyptus Vine' has strong Anaesthetic properties, explaining the dopey nature of Koalas. It's taken into the body very easily through contact with the skin, so a quick brush past your target at the start of a lesson is all you need for them to be asleep by the thirty minute bell.

**Now, naturally Mandrake is a prime plant to have fun with, but, as with all of these plants, you have to be careful with them.**

(Glee) Oh, that was a great day that was! You managed to paralyse seven Slyherins, four Ravenclaws, a stray Hufflepuff, and knock out most the other people in the great hall! All with one praynk!

**Very true, but I also managed to paralyse myself _holding_ the offending Mandrake...**

Yeh, there really was no getting out of the blame for that one, even though I seem to remember you managed to dodge your entire month in detention by being out cold in the Hospital wing at the time.

**(Deflatedly) Didn't dodge the talks Sprout and Pomfrey gave me the day I got out of that place though. By the time they were finished with me, Pomfrey had to take me _bac__k _to the hospital wing to grow me some new ears!**

Yeh, Sprout can be like that sometimes. She'll make a great head of Hufflepuff when old Baggard retires, I just hope a Puff under her never finds this book, or they'll have to endure the same as us, and I'd wish that on no wizard.

**Still, if they do find this, then they're bound to excel at Herbology, it seems to run in the 'Hufflepuff genes' for some reason, so they'll be able to explore more into the effects that some poisons have on the human body, and Slytherins in particular.**

One that always works for me, on Snivellus anyway **(snigger)**, is the venom from an Indian Land Lily. It's almost invincible to Muggles, and when they tend to walk all over them, they shoot venomous darts into their ankles. Luckily, the darts are also invisible to Muggles, so they just think they've had a rather vicious mosquito flying around their legs. However, the venom makes the person rather grouchy to the extent that they'll snap at anyone who talks to them.

**And now you know why Muggles hate mosquitoes so much!**

If that wasn't enough, there's the Arctic Fire-Rose that, strangely, makes anything that touches it's seeds catch alight.

**The Antarctic Flame Blossom, that simply _is_ a never-ending torch...**

The Saharan Cooling Cactus, that chills anything it's spines touch at an astonishing rate...

**The Yucatan Pepper Flower, who's petals can be crushed to release a juice twenty times hotter than any chilli...**

The Japanese Rocket Bamboo, that - well I'll let you guess that one...

**And then there's the Canadian Redwood, who's bark is... er...**

Padfoot, there's nothing special about the Canadian Redwood's bark. It's just a _really_ big tree.

**Oh. Okay then...**

Anyway, what we were trying to get at is that nearly every plant ingredient that you place into your potions pot over the next few years will have some effect on the human body. Okay, so you're not going to do much with beetle eyes, or 'tale of newt', but just be aware of what's around you, and pocket anything that you think could be of interest.

**(Waggles finger warningly) Pocket it _carefully_! I still remember that time Wormtail tried to sneak a handful of fire-beetle wings out of Potions in his pocket...**

Ahh yes, the 'exploding trouser incident'.

_**It was nasty! Don't try it, you'll only end up burnt and naked from the waist down, which isn't a good combination...**_

**Wormtail! Where did you pop up from?! Don't tell me you've been running around behind the skirting board again!**

Oh lay off Padfoot, I don't ask you where you go when you get peckish and come back with foul smelling mud up to your armpits. I would like to know where Wormtail has been hanging out lately though...

**Yeh! You've been more tight-lipped than Snivellus after that last course of botox!**

_**(Nervously) Oh...I-I er... I've been around...**_

Oh come on Wormtai...(splash) ...AHHH!

_Sorry (not sorry at all), was I a little late with my bucket of water?_

* * *

_**Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Automated Response:**_

Okay, so now that we've worked out how to use Lil's newest invention, we thought we'd re-record the message, because the last one was crap...

Anyway, we hope you enjoyed our ramblings, and we hope to see you back again soon.

Oh, and reviews are nice too... not that we know what they are, coz we're not showing this book to anyone yet... how strange...

Also, we know nothing about this forum: www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/ft/388320/24287/1/ which we don't know will allow you to request what we talk about in the next (or subsequent) chapter(s).

Thank you for reading...


	8. Safety in Numbers

_**Ye Olde Book of Praynks. A Marauders Production  
**__**Chapter Seven: 'Safety in Numbers'**_

In Order of Appearance: _Moony (Name Undisclosed)_ / Prongs (Name Undisclosed) / **Padfoot (Name Undisclosed)**

* * *

_Hello and welcome back to 'the book'..._

Hey! Since when have we been calling it that?

_(frowning) Since Sunday..._

**(laughing) Prongs, 'you' were the one who started it!**

Yeh, well... (shrug)... geniuses like me don't need to remember every idea we come up with, that's what you guys are for.

**(to Moony) How does Lils live with this guy without throttling him?**

_(to Padfoot, shrugging) She doesn't, she's just very good at glamours for covering the bruises._

AHEM! When you two are done discussing how my wife gets away with beating me up, can we get down to business?

**Of course, old buddy, old pal. What's today's topic of conversation?**

_'Safety in Numbers', or rather, how central numbers are to praynks and even everyday magic._

(Bridges fingers importantly, like a news reader) Indeed, Moony. Most ordinary and lesser wizards and witches tend to overlook the importance of numbers in their magic, thinking it something archaic and dated. Which, of course, it isn't.

**(Like his parter on the news desk) No indeed, Prongs. With the correct numbers thrown into the mix, a potion can become many times more potent, a Charm increasingly tricky, and a Curse much more powerful than it would be under any normal circumstances.**

_Of course, it's not as easy as throwing spells out at specific intervals _**(although, that is part of it)**_, these numbers must be woven into the spells, potions and rites. While it would be impractical to go into too much detail here, I think we can probably get some basics down._

**Starting with – 'What numbers?'.**

Naturally, not every number is of magical import. Numbers like 4, 6 and 43,327 are simple multiplications of magical numbers, and have minimal effect on anything. Others, like 1, 2, 5, 7, 13 are special because they can't be broken down any further. Lils says that muggles call them 'Prim Numbers'.

_(Rolls eyes) That's 'PRIME Numbers', Prongs, but yes, they're all very important numbers. Without them, many of the potions that NEWT level students learn simply wouldn't work. Felix Felicis, for example, uses the numbers two, seven and thirteen to excess. Get even one of the numbers slightly wrong, and the entire potion blows up in your face._

**(Gazes off into distance, remembering) Poor Jemima Baldwin...**

Her eyebrows grew back, you know.

**Yeh, but not the rest of her hair. She's been bald since that day!**

_Moving on from Baldy-Baldwin..._(Shocked I didn't know you had it in you, Moony!)_...knowing what the numbers isn't enough for effective magic. You need to know how to use the numbers._

Yes indeedy! And here to tell you exactly how to do that is our good friend, Mr Padfoot!

**(Like a baby rabbit caught in headlights) ...huh?**

(Whispering) We've been through this... You're going to tell them all about numbers!

**(Whispering) We were drunk! If I remember correctly, the next thing you said was that you'd eat your own owl if I bought the next round of drinks – which I did!**

(Whispering) Yes... well...

_(Loudly) And this, kids, is why you don't drink to excess._

**Hey! Just because you can't get drunk... Wolfie!**

Yeh, you're just jealous!

_(Snarl) There's a very good reason why I can't let myself get drunk, as well you know._

**Okay, okay. We're sorry!**

_Continue that conversation, and you will be!_

There now, settle down. (Pats Moony on the head) _(Growl)_ Let's get on with this shall we?

**Lets! Now, as Moony says, knowing which numbers are special isn't enough. The muggles have known about them for years, but they've never managed to accidentally use them effectively.**

_Well, not except for all the movie and book trilogies. They've noticed that they seem to sell. Oh, there are a few seven-book series too, but they're more rare._

(Dumbstruck) Really? Who'd buy seven books about the same old characters?!

**Yeh! I've always thought those muggles were a little crazy, but seven books? Who'd want to read that much?!**

_You two are hopeless. Some people actually like to read, you know? Ever consider that?_

Haha! You're funny, Moony! Imagine... people actually 'enjoying' reading!

_(Dryly) You should try it, Prongs. You might actually find that fun doesn't have to come attached to a broomstick._

(Slaps Moony on the back) That's why I like you, Moony. Always joking.

**Hehe. Anyway, to use numbers effectively, you have to understand how they interact with each other. Threes and twos go together, whilst twos and thirteens are more likely to blow up in your face. See?**

_Padfoot, if anyone understood that, they should consider themselves a genius._

(Sighing) If anyone can understand anything he says, they should consider themselves a genius. What my learned colleague was trying to say is that you can't just go throwing numbers together because they're special and expect results. You have to plan it out first.

_For example, if you try and combine a leg locker curse with a tickling hex, you'll probably going to end up with a curse that'll make a large bang, and set something on fire. That's because it takes about 150 more power to cast a tickling charm than a leg locker curse, that's a ratio of 2:5, which isn't a good ratio._

**However, if we change the leg locker curse for a full body bind, the ratio changes to 2:3, with the tickling charm requiring 66.6 of the power of the full body bind. This ratio allows the two spells to be combined with remarkable success.**

_(Stunned silence)_

(Shocked) My god! That actually made sense!

**I do say smart things sometimes. It's just that I'm normally too busy causing havoc.**

_Ain't that the truth!_

Anyway, the curse Padfoot has so elegantly explained here is known as 'Bubble and Squeak', simply because people tend to squeak a lot when under it, and bubbles often come out of their mouths as a result of not being able to laugh properly.

**If you're wondering why you've never heard of it, it's because you're not meant to learn to combine spells until you're much too old to use it for praynking.**

_I.E. It's a seventh-year skill._

**Indeed, and therefore the only people who would think of combining those curses shouldn't have the skills to. However, seeing as we're all smart arses, we learnt to do it in our 5th year. And a very useful skill it proved too!**

Some of our more successful creations include a spell to create hot chocolate...

..._Cococalesco..._

**...a curse that made turned your left foot into a right one...**

_...Ambae Laevapedis..._

...and, of course, the old 'Levicorpus', which quickly became a favourite around Hogwarts.

**(Waggling finger at book) Now, using numbers isn't limited to fiddling about with spells. You can use them in practically every subject under the sun.**

Except muggle studies... naturally.

_Of course. Potions, on the other hand, is a prime example. By understanding how the potion ingredients mix together, timings and such, you can add the odd counter stroke to the potion's stirring._

**A stroke in the wrong direction might blow it up in your face, but an extra stir at the right time could increase the potency of the mixture tenfold. As before, research is required before you go trying it for yourself, but with time and understanding, it does get easier to spot when those extra stirs should be added.**

We did have a bit of trouble with this ourselves, but Lils was a dab-hand at it. It's like when she cooks! I have no idea when to add all those herbs and spices, but she just 'knows' when they're needed.

_(Exasperatedly) That's because she actually learnt to cook for herself, whilst you've always relied on house elves and your mother for meals._

Yeh... Well... When you put it like that...

**I hate to break up your argument, 'coz I'm really enjoying it, but we don't have long left, and I believe there's one last piece of information about numbers that we can impart to our avid audience.**

_Padfoot, you're surpassing all our expectations this evening!_

**(Wink) I aim to please.**

So what's this information we've forgotten then, oh smart one?

**The fact that spells cast by multiple people can affect their results.**

_Why, that's a very good point, Padfoot._

**(Smugly) I thought so.**

What he means by that is that when a number of people cast the same spells, or sometimes even different spells, at the same time, at the same target, there can be interesting results.

_Can you remember that time when we all hexed Robbins? Just after the Gryffindor/Slytherin quidditch match in our second year?_

**(Frowning) The git deserved it, laughing at Pickles like that. It's not his fault that he was covered in boils!**

Actually... It was. But that's not the point Moony is trying to make. We all attempted different hexes, and what resulted was Robbins ending up in St. Mungo's for a month with an extra limb coming out the side of his head.

_The fact that it was a cloven hoof just made it all the more strange._

**Strange and slightly disturbing (Shiver), but it does show how low-power spells can combine in completely unexpected ways sometimes. We never did quite understand how that happened, did we?**

_No, but it did start us looking into all this. I suppose, in a way, you could say that if it weren't for Robbins being such a jerk, we would never have gotten started mucking about with spells or anything._

(With a far away look) We would have never found that book on Anamagi, or the tome that inspired us to make the map!

**(Stunned) I never thought I would owe so much to a Slytherin.**

And on that Bombshell, it's time for us to leave you.

_Until next time._

**'The truth is out there!'**

(Whispering) Er... Padfoot... that show hasn't been thought up yet...

_(Whispering) Neither has Top..._(Click!)

* * *

**Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs Automated Response:**

All ideas, theories and schemes included in this chapter are not intended for anyone to follow, and therefore we cannot accept any responsibility for anyone blowing themselves up in an effort to make a spell more powerful or a potion more potent.

(At the same time, we didn't get to where we are today by sitting on our arses and twiddling our thumbs.)

Do not try anything we say at home!

(Do it at school, where someone else will clean up your mess!)

Until next time, stay safe!

(But not too safe!)

This book will self destruct in ten seconds.

(Only kidding.)


End file.
